


Protect You (From Yourself)

by sugarandspace



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Healing, Injury, M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 17:42:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14959119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: Magnus has a habit of destroying things when he's angry. Breaking things with magic is his way of dealing with anger, and it's not harmful since he can always just fix them once he calms down. It's okay.Until one day it isn't, and he doesn't know how to fix it.





	Protect You (From Yourself)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I was watching the ep where Magnus finds out about the soul sword and goes home and blows up his alcohols and is about to break more stuff but Luke stops him. I got this idea that I knew I had to write. Set right before season 3.

The whole atmosphere in the loft is electric. Magnus feels his magic buzz at his fingertips, much like his mind is buzzing with anger. On the floor there’s a fire message, crumbled and thrown aside after Magnus read it.

“Those hypocrites!” He shouts and sends an angry pulse of magic towards the letter, causing it to burst into flames.

But it’s not enough to get his frustrations out, and he takes it out on his armchairs next, red wisps of magic forcibly pushing them against the wall and knocking them over. He’s breathing heavily, the lights are flickering and the lightbulbs are popping, but luckily it’s still barely noon, and the sunshine is pouring from the windows. That letter had to ruin a perfectly good morning.

He was dismissed from his position as the High Warlock of Brooklyn after the events with the Seelie Queen. At the time, the other warlocks had been on board with his choices, and Magnus knows that they just need someone to blame this on, but that doesn’t erase the fact that the decision is completely unfair. He’s the most powerful warlock in the whole of New York, the title belongs to him.

The next wave of magic is like a proof of that, as even the walls shake as Magnus pushes his hands away from himself, sending every furniture against the walls, picture frames falling and furniture tumbling over at the process.

“Definitely so much more capable than Lorenzo!” He grits his teeth and sends a ball of fire towards his table, and the table more like turns to ash rather than sets into fire.

It smells like smoke in the apartment, mixed with the smell of Magnus’ magic that he’s barely able to contain, it pouring from his body and into the air around him as he paces the room. And that’s all Magnus can focus on, the feeling of magic and anger, a terrifying mix so overpowering that Magnus can feel his energy levels decreasing fast, the adrenaline keeping him going. 

“What’s happening in here?” Alec suddenly asks from behind him, and Magnus hadn’t even realised that he’d came over. He’s usually able to sense when Alec passes his wards, the familiar feeling making him feel warm. But not this time, as his mind is so focused on the anger. Magnus is aware that his glamour has dropped, his cat eyes on full display and burning with rage, a sign of power terrifying enough to scare most of his enemies.

He keeps his back to Alec as his question makes Magnus realise a new thing this sudden depreciation has brought with it. He has to tell everyone. He has to tell Alec, other people he’s learnt to consider as his friends, people at the Institute will find out, the entirety of the warlock community will know. He doesn’t dare to look at Alec, keeps his back to him as he sends a burst of angry magic to his side, because the more he thinks about it the more reasons he finds to despise the decision. The blow hits the large, wall length bookshelf on his left, and it makes a loud noise when it falls to the ground, countless of books and small knick knacks scattering to the floor.

But it’s not the sound of things falling that makes Magnus’s heart stop and blood run cold.

Amongst the other sounds he hears a surprised inhale followed by a groan of pain.

“Alexander!” He gasps, turning as quickly as he can and after seeing the damage - the damage he caused - he summons back the magic that had disappeared the moment he heard that groan of pain that will most likely be etched to his mind for the rest of his eternity. This time the magic has no intention to destroy, but repair.

The heavy bookshelf that had fallen to the ground lifts itself back up, letting Alec free from underneath it. Except Alec doesn’t move, his leg is bent in an angle that looks so very wrong, and his face is contorted in obvious pain.

“I’m so sorry, I am so so sorry,” Magnus says as he rushes to Alec’s side, tears blurring his vision. He had hurt Alexander. He had let his magic take over and Alexander had gotten hurt in the process.

His hands are shaking and he doesn’t dare actually touch Alec, in fear that Alec doesn't want him to. In fear that he’d flich away. He avoids looking at Alec’s face, focusing his eyes on the damaged knee as he sends healing magic into it, making sure the magic reaches each part of Alec’s body, soothes out each blooming bruise that the bookshelf had caused. That Magnus had caused. 

Magnus can hear his pulse in his ears and his heart in his throat but he tries not to think about it, and he keeps pouring his magic into Alec. He feels how the magic heals him, but he doesn’t dare stop. He can’t let even a small ache get unnoticed.

It isn’t until Alec sits up and gently catches both of his shaking wrists that Magnus lets the flow of magic calm down.

Seems like he can’t though, because now that he’s not focused on his magic, he can see that the tears that once filled his eyes are now freely pouring out of them, falling down his cheeks to the ground where he’s still sitting on his knees by Alec’s legs.

“Look at me Magnus,” Alec says, and his voice is kind and calm, not angry or resentful like Magnus had expected it to be. 

Magnus isn’t able to comply to the request, the shock and shame too strong as he shakes his head. This is something he’d always feared, the downside of his power.

When he doesn’t do as Alec asks, he feels a pair of strong arms wrap around his body instead, pulling him into Alec’s lap, his legs on either side of Alec’s as he’s pulled against his chest. Magnus tries to protest, pushing weakly against that strong chest but his movements have very little force in them, since he feels like Alexander is made of class and he’s a bed of nails. That, and he feels weak, the exertion of his outburst and healing Alec catching up to him quickly.

“Shh,” Alec tries to calm him down. And then he continues like reading Magnus’ mind. “I know you won’t hurt me.”

“But I already did,” Magnus says, his voice strained as he angrily wipes his tears away. He feels so tired, his limbs feel like lead and he can’t resist the warmth and comfort Alec brings, even though the feelings of shame and guilt are overpowering. 

“It-” Alec starts but he doesn't get further before Magnus interrupts him.

“Alexander I swear if you say that it was okay…”

“I was going to say that it isn’t your fault, I know you didn’t mean for that to happen,” Alec answers calmly, his hands moving up and down Magnus’ back in a soothing source of warmth.

“But it did,” Magnus says, his voice wobbling as he thinks back to what happened. He thinks back to that groan of pain and the look on Alec’s face, and it’s getting harder to breathe around the lump in his throat.

Alec must notice what Magnus is thinking, because he brings his hand to Magnus’ cheek to get his attention. “And you fixed it as soon as you noticed.”

“That doesn’t erase the fact that I caused you pain,” Magnus argues. His voice is lacking strength though, and his breaths shudder with each inhale. He looks away, unable to look Alec in the eyes. “You don’t do that to the people you love.”

“The pain lasted less than a minute, I’ve had worse,” Alec says calmly. He moves his hand from Magnus’ cheek to his hair, combing through it.

“But that’s not the point!” Magnus shouts, standing up with surprising force. He doesn’t deserve this, he shouldn’t be the one being comforted. “I shouldn’t cause you any pain, no matter how long or short it lasts.”

Magnus wobbles at his feet and his vision sways, but he has to get away from Alec. He can’t stand him being so understanding and kind, when Magnus deserves anger and resentment. He sees Alec stand up as well, carefully getting closer as if not to startle Magnus. Maybe he’s worried what Magnus will do to him. Maybe he should. 

Magnus turns and starts to walk away, he needs to get out of here before he hurts Alec again. He’s a danger to Alec and he doesn’t deserve the pity that’s so clear in Alec’s eyes. 

But all Magnus manages is a couple of steps before he stumbles on his uneven feet and his vision goes black.

-.-.-

When Magnus wakes up he feels incredibly disoriented. He doesn’t remember going to sleep but there he is, laying in his soft bed under the silk sheets. But as he wakes up more and his brain registers the heaviness still in his body and the hollow feeling inside that is a telltale sign of magic deficiency, it all starts to come back to him.

And then there’s another feeling next to the emptiness, a feeling of shame so strong that it feels like Magnus is suffocating.

He looks around the room, dimly lit by a lamp on his bedside table. The curtains are drawn shut but there’s a gap between them, and there’s no light pouring to the room. It must be late, even though Magnus barely feels like he’s slept any. 

He feels a strong urge to just close his eyes and fall back asleep, to hide from the world a little longer. But the guilt is filling every nerve in his body, and he can’t relax. He has to apologise to Alec, even though he can’t fathom any words that would even come close to explaining how sorry he is.

So he gets out of bed. His movements are slow, and his body feels weighed down as he makes it to his feet. He’s still wearing the clothes he put on that morning, but Alec had taken off his jacket and waistcoat, presumably to make him more comfortable. That’s so typical to the Shadowhunter, always thinking about others- even when they don’t deserve his sympathy.

Magnus’s socked feet quietly make their way to the closed bedroom door, and he stops to breath deeply and gather his courage. He knows Alexander, knows that it’s very unlikely that he’d left Magnus alone in the loft, but there’s still small voice inside Magnus’ head nagging about how he doesn’t deserve that kind of care, and how Alec would have left after what happened earlier.  

There’s only one way to find out, and Magnus braves himself to open the door.

He walks out of the room and it doesn't take him long to spot Alec. He’s by the bookshelf, a piece of furniture Magnus knows he has to replace. He can’t stomach the idea of seeing that every day. Alec has his back to Magnus as he’s lifting books back to the shelves. For a moment Magnus wonders why the loft is so dark, why the only light is coming from the moonlight that pours from the large windows, and from a couple of candles that are strategically placed around the room. But then he remembers destroying the multitude of lamps in the room, and he doesn’t need to wonder longer.

“You really didn’t need to do all this,” Magnus says softly as he looks at the loft, the furniture back on their rightful places and the pictures back on the walls. The table is understandably missing, and there are still quite a lot of books and broken things on the floor, but other than that, it’s like nothing had happened. 

Magnus wishes he knew a safe spell that would erase what happened.  

Magnus’ words break Alec from the task at hand, and he turns to look at Magnus. He smiles a little, and looks relieved. ”Magnus. You’re awake.”

“I am,” Magnus says and walks over to the couch, sitting down because even just standing upright is taking a toll on his body. And the Angel knows he needs all the energy he has to spare to make it through this conversation.

As Magnus is still going through possible ways to start the conversation, Alec comes over to sit on the couch next to him

“I was so worried when you fell. I called Catarina and she said that you just need rest,” Alec says, reaching to hold one of Magnus’ hands. “And she told me to make sure you won’t use your magic for the rest of the day. She would have came over but she was working. She assured me that you would be okay.”

“I’m okay,” Magnus says. It’s no less a truth than it is a lie. Physically he will be fine, his magic will be fine. But mental toll the day has taken on him, the guilt that’s eating him alive and reminding him of what he really is, that’s something that can’t be helped with rest. That’s also the reason why he can’t let Alec hold his hand, and he draws it away, clasping his hands together in his lap. “But are you?”

He dares a cautious look at Alec’s face, and sees that his eyebrows are furrowed in thought. Magnus isn’t sure what Alec is thinking, but it looks like he is planning very hard what he’s going to say.  

Magnus almost forgets to breath as he waits for Alec to say something.

“I agree with what you said about it being wrong to hurt the people you love,” he starts, and Magnus closes his eyes like the words itself leave an impact on his face. He gnaws at his lips and hides his face in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees, as he waits for Alec to continue.

“And if I believed that you did it intentionally, I would have been out of that door as soon as I was able to walk. maybe even sooner. Magnus, all you’ve ever done is help me and keep me safe. Just in the short time that we’ve been together, you’ve saved me from certain death at least twice. One accident won’t change how I feel about you. I’m not scared that you’ll hurt me, I know you never wanted that to happen. Do you have any idea how many times Izzy or Jace has hurt me while training? Accidents happen, that’s inevitable. But that just makes you try harder for it not to happen again.” When Alec finishes talking, he cautiously places his hand on Magnus’ back, and Magnus doesn't move away. He lifts his head up and looks at Alec as he speaks.

“That will never happen again,” his words are sure, even when his voice is hoarse with emotion.

“I know,” Alec says gently and nods. “Now, can I get a hug?”

Magnus straightens his back and leans over, wrapping his arms around Alec and feeling Alec’s arms wrap around him in return. He presses his cheek against Alec’s and whispers in his ear, “I really am sorry.”

“And I forgive you,” Alec says, equally as softly.

Magnus feels the tension leave his body at Alec’s words. There’s still some guilt there, but it’s noticeably smaller now when he knows that Alec knows he didn’t mean to do it. He’ll have to think about this more later, but for now he feels so relaxed he could fall asleep right here and now.

Seems like Alec notices that too, because he pulls away from the hug, leaving a chaste kiss to Magnus’ forehead, “Let’s go to bed, yeah?”

Magnus nods and stands up, watching as Alec walks over to the candles to blow them out. The room falls to darkness, only the cold light of the moon casting light to the room. Alec returns to Magnus’ side and takes his hand, leading him back to the dimly lit bedroom.

“Change your clothes, I’ll be right back,” Alec says and quickly continues when he sees Magnus about to flick his wrist to magic himself into pajamas. “No magic, you have to rest.”

With a tired nod Magnus agrees and walks over to his dresser to find something comfortable to sleep on, while Alec disappears to the bathroom. He doesn’t stay there for long, and is back just as Magnus is pulling his sleep pants on.

“Sit down,” Alec says, and Magnus realises what’s going on as soon as he notices what Alec is holding. Makeup wipes.

Without a word Magnus complies, sitting on the edge of the bed as Alec sits next to him, angling their bodies so that they’re facing each other. Alec starts wiping the makeup away, way more gentle than a soldier’s hands are supposed to be.  

Magnus doesn’t even want to think about what a mess he looks like, his makeup no doubt running down his cheeks and smudged around his eyes. But he can’t find it in himself to care, he gets lost in the tender hand holding his head in place, and the soft swipes over his face.

“All done,” Alec says and leaves a peck on Magnus’ lips. Magnus opens his eyes lazily to watch as Alec disappears to the bathroom again. “Get comfortable I’ll join you in a sec.”

Magnus does as he’s told, his tired body practically sinking into the soft mattress as soon as he lies down.He lets out a soft sigh at the feeling, and closes his eyes.

He opens them as he hears Alec enter the room again, watches him change into his sleep clothes, and curls against him when he lays down next to him.      

“I love you,” he mumbles into the skin on Alec’s neck as he feels the sleep pull him under.

“I love you too.”

-.-.-

When Alec wakes up, he’s surprised to see the bed empty. Magnus is not lying next to him and the sheets have gone cold, which tells him that Magnus has been awake for a while. Eager to see how Magnus is doing after the eventful day yesterday, Alec rubs the remaining sleep from his eyes and gets out of the bed, starting his search for his boyfriend. 

He hears movement from Magnus’ apothecary, and he heads to that direction. And there Magnus is, hair still tousled from sleep, dressed in his sleep clothes and a robe. He seems to be busy with something, concentrating intensely. 

Alec spends a moment standing in the doorway just watching Magnus, so immerced to what he’s doing, before he makes his presence known. 

“Morning,” Alec says as he steps further into the room.

“Good morning Alexander,” Magnus replies brightly.

Magnus is holding a glass of orange liquid, and if Alec hadn’t seen him pour it to the glass from a cauldron, he’d think that it was orange juice.

“What is that?” Alec asks as Magnus walks closer to him. 

“A potion,” Magnus replies. His expression falls to something more serious as he gives the glass to Alec. “To protect you from all my magic that could cause you harm.”

“Magnus-,” Alec starts. He sets the glass down to a shelf on his left before he continues. “I don’t need that. I know you didn’t meant to hurt me, and I know it won’t happen again. I trust you Magnus. I told you last night that one accident hasn’t changed that.”

“But I don’t trust myself. I don’t want what happened yesterday to happen again, it can’t happen again, I couldn’t take it,” Magnus says and lifts the glass back up, offering it to Alec. “I need to be sure.”

“Fine, if it’ll ease your mind,” Alec says and takes the glass. He eyes the liquid before he drinks it, positively surprised when the taste is actually pleasant. And really, just drinking the potion is a proof of how much he trusts Magnus, trusts that the potion isn’t something else, even though all his Shadowhunter training should be screaming at him not to drink a potion that a warlock offers him.

“There, happy now?” Alec asks as he offers the empty glass back to Magnus.

“Extremely,” Magnus nods as he magics the glass away.

And Alec doesn't miss the flash of relief on Magnus’ face, the way his shoulders relax and his eyes get brighter. Alec thinks that the events of yesterday might have hurt Magnus more than they hurt Alec, albeit in a very different way, and he understands that as much as the potion offers protection to him, it gives as much to Magnus. And there’s nothing Alec wouldn’t do to protect him.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has gone through like a million different versions and I'm not 100% happy with it but I've been staring at it and fixing it for too long and decided to just post it. Your thoughts? Does anyone know any other fics with the same idea? I'd love to read some!
> 
> [hmu on tumblr!](http://didnotthinkitwouldcometothis.tumblr.com)


End file.
